Fat Face and Bad Fashion

With another pregnancy hopefully looming on the horizon, I'm reflecting on my past pregnancies. I've formulated my greatest tips to new expectant mothers based on my personal experience:

I don't care who you are...you will get "fat face" at some point during your pregnancy. If you're lucky it will hold off until the last month-or-so. If you aren't lucky (read: Me) "fat face" will set in right around the third day after conception. When your well-meaning husband looks at you and says "Honey, your face looks a little fat today," go ahead and make the OB appointment. And then confine your husband to the couch for 9 months for such a heartless comment.

Now, you may not be able to escape the "fat face," but there are some things you can do to lessen it's effect. For instance, avoid a haircut that hits right at your chin (as demonstrated in the above and below pictures). This is me pregnant with my first child...with full-on "fat face" and a nice, unflattering chin length bob. Lord. And I'm not even going to comment on my CRAZY SHORT bangs. I must've been real proud of my eyebrows and decided to showcase them along with about 10 inches of forehead above them.

It's also advisable to avoid clothes that make you look about 25 years older than you are. I may be 21 in the above picture...but I look like i'm pushing 38. Pushing 38 and wearing a tent. There could be a revival going on under there, you don't know.

Embrace the bump, ladies...pregnancy doesn't relegate you to ugly clothes and unflattering styles. Because...that bump will turn into this little chickadee soon enough..

When I was pregnant with my second child, I wizened up and embraced the opening of a local Target store. Liz Lange! If you can ignore yet another bang disaster, this time the lack thereof, you'll see that my "fat face" is back with a vengeance, yet the long hair lessens the atrocity.

Face is a little fatter below, as I had about a week until my due date, but is diffused by the long hair.

And yes, I was in the "freakishly pregnant" stage here. Dude. Pictures like these are so flippin' weird looking.

Here I am embracing the fitted shirt fashion...I'm embracing the belly. MUCH more flattering, in my opinion.

My final tip is more of a delivery tip: if you have the luxury of knowing when you will be delivering prepare with this thought in mind: People will be taking pictures of you, and those pictures will ALWAYS BE THERE. Like, forever.

Please note: there are no pictures of me after I had my daughter posted on here for a reason. You know the reason.

Here's the tip: before you head to the hospital for labor and delivery (or get down with the birthing center, or home birth) put on a little waterproof mascara and curl the lashes, and light eyeshadow if you are so inclined. I'm not a vain person at all, truly, nor am I the type of girl that can't leave the house without makeup on...but I'm so glad I did this before I had my son. I also hot-rolled my hair that morning so it would at least cooperate for the next two days in the hospital. Because, who really WANTS to use a shower at the hospital?

And I can actually look at the pictures of him, brand-new and warm and think "I remember exactly how that felt," instead of "What the eff is wrong with my face?"

You'll also love the comments from the Labor and Delivery nurses about how "you look great for just having had a baby, girlfriend!" (L&D nurses have a lingo, you know).

And just a quick picture of my wonderful, stupendous, fantastic doctor...I love you. I hope to see you soon. Thank you for letting me gain weight happily while I'm with child.

"Fat face" and bad fashion aside...pregnancy is a joy, full of new sensations and wondrous discoveries. (like HUGE breasts!)

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Working on my next segment now:

Babies Who Resemble Senior Citizens